Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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