Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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