Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
