Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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