I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
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