I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
