P.S. I can't hear my feet
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
