I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
