Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
