I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
