I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
