i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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