The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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