Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
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