Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
