I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
