she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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