Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
