My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Randomize
