I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
