Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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