why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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