If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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