He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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