is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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