If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
