Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
