Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
