and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
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