i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I wish I only lived at night.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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