he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
