pop tarts are not kleenex
i came on her dog
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
