Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize
