You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Text me some of your sweat
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
