Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
