I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
