I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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