Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
