Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
