Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
