sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
