I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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