I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
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