I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I would fuck him just for his dog
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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