yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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