i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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