Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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