there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
