It was confusing and full of hummus
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
