You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
