i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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